Goodbye, Senior Year

"Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia. . . . You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you'll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present." - John Green, Looking for Alaska

May 10th was my last day of high school. Ever. It should've been more sad, and I kind of feel guilty for not feeling as sad as other people were, but to be honest, it felt liberating. I also had an AP test that day (I love statistics...) so I wasn't really focused on the whole end-of-the-year sadness. I woke up at 5:40 that day to go to the traditional tailgate in the old parking lot. It was honestly such a nice feeling to stand around in the rising sun. Everything was perfect.

After the tailgate, we all went inside for to live through the most bittersweet day ever. We did nothing in our classes, but Tae, being the sweetheart that he is, baked me brownies, and it was the cutest. I wanted to do something, too, but again, AP Statistics called...

I'm going to miss the whole experience so so much, but at the same time, I'm ready to move on. It's been an amazing four years--high school has truly been the time of my life. And as fast as it's gone (unbelievably, of course), I can't help but want to get that diploma in my hand and be on my way to college. I get to spend this summer with my closest friends and Tae, and I couldn't ask for much more to end this chapter of my life.

Soon to come: a post about PROM! Sorry for the huge delay--I've been too tired to update, and I've been busy going out and relaxing. :) But expect that post in the next few days. Hope you've all been doing well.

Hypocrisy

"I don't know who I am. Or maybe I do know who I am and I just don't want to be her anymore." - Gayle Forman

Take me back to Disney World. Please.

I can't say that I've never looked to be in a relationship in high school before. In fact, I'd be straight up lying if I said that. Last year at the end of the year, I had this vision of being in a relationship for senior year only--just something to really tie off high school. Well a few months ago, I decided that past me was absolutely crazy. I realized that I shouldn't be looking for a relationship at this point in my life. College is in a few months, and it really just looks like a fling. The way I see it is that if you can't picture a future past a certain point, why bother? I look for meaning, I look for purpose. That's just who I am.

But oh man, I am such a hypocrite.

Last night, well a lot happened. And after it was "official" (I guess if you want to call it that), I drove back home saying, "What just happened. What did I just do." I should be happy. I should be so so happy right now, and yet I just keep thinking about my own regard for myself. What's wrong with me? I am so stupid. I am such a hypocrite. And for me to go through with this means that I lose some respect for myself. But for me to end it leaves me a little broken.

I am so torn right now. I don't know what to do. And the more I say it in my head, the more weirded out I become. This morning I couldn't fall back asleep at 8AM because it all just hit me. This is so surreal. And I know it's wrong to think this way, but what will others say? I had to tell one of my closest friends last night, and he was trying to figure things out with me. But I don't know anything right now. I want this to happen. And I guess a part of me should've seen it was coming (I'm not exactly the brightest person I suppose...). But if this happens as it looks like it will, I'm going to need a lot of self re-evaluation.

Until then, hi. How have you all been?

Disney World, Orlando, Florida

"Childhood memories were like airplane luggage; no matter how far you were traveling or how long you needed them to last, you were only ever allowed two bags. And while those bags might hold a few hazy recollections--a diner with a jukebox at the table, being pushed on a swing set, the way it felt to be picked up and spun around--it didn't seem to last a whole lifetime." - Jennifer E. Smith

On Tuesday night, I came home from an amazing amazing four days in...DISNEY WORLD. For our senior class trip, we got the opportunity to go to Disney to make the best of memories. It was exhausting, don't get me wrong, but it was absolutely wonderful, and I just want to go back already because school is monotonous now.

I woke up on Saturday morning at 2:45AM to make it to the school by 3:50AM. We drove to the airport and after a bunch of traveling, we landed in Orlando at around 10AM. We got bused over to Magic Kingdom where we spent the entire day! It was so much fun. So much fun. I hung out with Andrea, Eddy, Emily, Michael, and Nick, and we went on Space Mountain, the Buzz Lightyear game (3 times might I add haha), Thunder Mountain, Splash Mountain, It's a Small World, Pirates of the Caribbean, Monster's Inc, and Stitch's ride thing haha. It was so much fun even though we didn't make it to a lot of the other things. Then after scarfing down our dinner, we rushed over to in front of Cinderella's castle to watch the electrical parade, the show, and the fireworks. It was all so beautiful.

On Sunday, we first went to Hollywood Studios. I was with Eddy, Emily, Jason, John, and Michael. We first went to the Tower of Terror which dramatically changed since the last time I went (10 years ago haha). We went in with all these other kids from our school so the entire "elevator" was filled with people from my class which was pretty awesome haha. Then we went on the Rock n Roller Coaster which was amazing, too. We ended up also going to Star Tours and then saw the Indiana Jones show and American Idol!

After we came out of American Idol, it started pouring rain. It was okay though because we hit everything we could and were leaving for Epcot momentarily. So yeah then we took the buses over to Epcot! We actually ended up not doing much in Epcot which was kind of disappointing. I was mainly with Eddy, Iris, and Michael the entire time. Because it was pouring, we barely got to stroll around because we were busy powerwalking to get out of the rain haha. We ended up getting drenched and hid out in a gift shop for quite a while where we bought some souvenirs! Afterwards a bit of drama happened, but Iris, Michael, and I went on Test Track and accidentally went in the single riders lane which was awkward lol. I ended up being in the car with this entire family so I was pretty much just awkwardly sitting there. Then we went on Soarin' with Eddy and Emily which was such a cool and relaxing ride! Afterwards, we hurried over to watch the Laser Light Illuminations show which was amazing, too. (I liked the Magic Kingdom one better though!)

On Monday, we first went to Animal Kingdom! I spent the entire time with Eddy and Michael which was actually really really fun. We first went on the rapids ride and got absolutely drenched haha. Probably wasn't smart to all sit on the same side... Then we went on Expedition Everest and afterwards the safari! I freaked out over seeing the giraffes haha. But Everest was such a good ride oh my goodness. Then we ate some lunch in the Asia section and had some decent Americanized Chinese food haha. After we went to the Dinosaur ride where we got the most hilarious picture taken on the ride omg. Every time I look at it, I start laughing haha. It was such a scary ride though. I had tears in my eyes in the end from laughing so hard/from screaming so much. Then we walked around and went on Everest again haha. And after that we went on It's Tough to Be a Bug which was pretty scary because it was 4D haha. But then we left to go back to the hotel!

One of my favorite pictures from the entire trip. :)

We got back to the hotel and chilled in the guys' room for a while before getting ready to go out to dinner with the entire class! We drove over to Universal Studios to eat dinner at the Nascar Cafe. It wasn't that great, but after that we went over to see the Blue Man Group! There were parts which I thought were horrible, but overall it was such a cool show! People from our school got chosen for some of the things so that was fun to cheer for haha. After that we went back over to the Nascar Cafe to have our "DJ/Dance Party" lolol. It was pretty bad and all the arcade games weren't that great either/were super crowded. But I got a light-up cup which was pretty much the highlight of it all hahaha.

And then on Tuesday, we went to Blizzard Beach! I don't have any pictures from there because it's a water park so I didn't want my camera to get destroyed. But I'm not a big fan of water parks to begin with so it wasn't as fun overall. We first went in the lazy river. Then I waited for other people to go on this crazy 120-foot slide for like an hour because I didn't want to hurt my back by going on it. After, we went to eat lunch. All I ate was a pretzel, but it cost me $4.25 lol most expensive pretzel in the world omg. It was in the shape of Mickey Mouse though so it was half acceptable. Then I went on some slides with Andrea and Iris before getting changed and going to the gift shop! After that we left for the airport!! Our airplane ended up getting delayed by like 40 minutes because we had too much fuel... But I essentially was asleep the entire time haha.

And yes! That was the essence of my trip to Disney World. :) It was such an amazing opportunity to have even though it was pretty pricey. (Not to mention how each meal dropped me like $15...) I'm so glad I got to spend four days in the most magical place on earth with some of my closest friends. Ending high school with a bang!

Some things don't stay

"A person is not a suitcase, with a finite number of items to unpack. A person is a world. Look at any photograph--of a stranger, your father, your very best friend. Sometimes the mystery is all you can see." - Leah Stewart, The Myth of You and Me

Isn't it funny how much things can change in a matter of a year? I know I think about this one topic way too often, but really just promise me you're thinking about it, too, right now. 365 days ago, who were you? Were you the same person you are now? Are you still friends with everyone that you used to be friends with? ...I'm not.

This past week was spring break so I spent a lot of time doing nothing. It honestly flashed before my eyes like I don't know where the days went. I didn't get to sleep in at all because of track practice, doctor appointments, and other trips. But aside from all the drama that happened (and trust me, a lot of crap went down this past week) and all the disappointment that occurred, I got to think and think and think until I went crazy. I spent both yesterday and today by the beach. I was in Delaware at first and eventually made my way over to Maryland. The picture above was taken at Rehoboth Beach, and I just can't even explain how much I envy this couple. They're honestly so perfect that I can only hope that one day I grow old with my best friend by my side...I hope that love will never die.

But this morning, I woke up at 6AM with my parents and we rushed down to Ocean City Beach which we were staying right next to. We watched the sunrise, and it was quite possibly the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. (Pictures to come later!) It's always been on my bucket list to really just watch the sunrise, and today I saw the sun in its entirety slowly greet the sky. I probably went blind from staring at the sun, but it was so so so worth it.

Other than that, I went to see GI Joe Retaliation the other day with Tae. And I actually had no idea what was going on for the first half because I never saw the first one. But I mainly just stared at Channing Tatum and swooned (hear me out, people) at Byung-hun Lee. Good grief aoshfasfosaf. That is all.

But I got to go work on all of my spring break work! Haha go figure I'd leave it until the last half, but I'm actually not that far behind. :) Hope you all have a wonderful Easter, and get ready for April!

Happy Chinese New Year!

"Sometimes I wanted to peel away all of my skin and find a different me underneath." - Francesca Lia Block, Wasteland

新年快乐! Happy year of the snake! I hope you're all having a wonderful, wonderful February so far. I don't have anything to blog about, really. So this is kind of a filler post since not much has happened in my life.

I'm pretty excited about Valentine's Day though! I don't have a Valentine (oh surprise, surprise!), but I really want to do something for my friends. I'm just not sure what though. At my school, we're selling red and white carnations for 50 cents each which is pretty cheap and handy. But I don't know, I want something of more value and more effort. It's my last year in high school, and I just want everything to end perfectly. (Currently leaning towards chocolate covered strawberries or something!)

But you can't blame me for bringing out the teenage girl inside of me and hoping that something will happen on Valentine's Day. It's a long shot, but a girl can fantasize, can't she? Just imagine walking up to your locker and seeing a guy holding a bouquet of roses, the movie you two had been waiting for for 4 months, the stuffed animal that pretty much sums up your friendship.

No doubt, it's a long shot.

But my friends have been talking about this thing called volleyball marathon in school just about at every chance they can get. And it just makes me so frustrated because they never even invited me. And I guess you do your best to ignore it, but honestly, how do you?

...

In other news, it's been snowing pretty often lately. I hate the coldness, but I love how everything looks. But as the days go by, I can't help but think of spring. I'm so excited for the warmth, the sunshine, the birds chirping, the flowers blooming, the liveliness of it all.

But Happy (early) Valentine's Day to you all! Hope you get to spend your day with that special someone. :) But if you want my plans--I'll be watching either Pitch Perfect or The Perks of Being a Wallflower while planning some spontaneous weekend trips. I should get going on homework though! Bye! And once again, Happy Chinese New Year!!

Tests and Sleepless Nights

"You do things and do things and nobody really has a clue." - John Updike

Ringing in the new year with my closest friends.

Hi long time no talk. Again. I have a completely legitimate reason this time though! It's nearing the end of the first semester for the school year which means nothing but tests. Last week I had multiple tests every single day of the week, and this upcoming week won't be much different. I am dying with sleep deprivation, but I'm so excited to finally hit another milestone in my life. People keep telling me not to worry too much about my grades because I'm already in college, but I want to keep trying. I wish I could get more sleep out of all of this, but lol some things never do change I guess.

I hope that 2013 has been amazing for all of you so far! I plan on getting started on more things on my resolution's list as soon as midterms are over! I'm looking forward to exercising more and reading more for sure. I've been such a bum lately focusing on only my studies and not my personal pleasure/health so February needs to hurry up and get here! I can't wait for this year to really get started because I'm positive it'll be amazing. :) It's crazy that January's already almost over, but I'm glad in a sense. Life is passing me by, but it's so worth it.

The test schedule that I made for the mid-end of this month.

But alright. Tons and tons to do tonight! Good luck to everyone in my school over these next two weeks! Second semester is only a few days away. :)

Letting Go and Moving On

"Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Twenty-some years ago: My dad (I suppose my love for photography comes from him) // my grandparents with my older brother: May you rest in peace, 奶奶. I love you. 3.7.12.

In these pictures, I wasn't even born yet. And here I am with nearly 17 years and 5 months to my name, and I am just so overwhelmed where life has taken me and my family.

2012 has had its ups and downs, but I am so excited for 2013 that it's too hard to coherently think about this past year. I hope you all had a year as wonderful as I did and are getting ready to have an even better 2013!

Here's a glimpse at some of my New Year's Resolutions for this upcoming year:

• Spend less time on the computer and social media sites
• Learn how to say "no"
• Sleep more because 2 hours of sleep isn't healthy
• Stargaze
• Watch the sunrise
• Laugh often
• Learn to ignore the people who make you feel bad about yourself
• Bike ride more often
• Be more outgoing
• Read the news

I am ready for another year. I am ready for a fresh start. I am ready for 2013.