Broken

It feels almost as if the pieces of me have shattered with no way to put them back together. I feel so broken inside; I feel as if every time I think something's going right, it falls apart the next day. Each time I think I'm rising out of this dangerous stage of life, it just gets worse. I can't take this. I can't take this.

And as sweet as everyone is to tell me, "It'll get better over time," I'm so sick of hearing it. It's easy to say that things will get better, I know that. Trust me, I've been leaving people messages everywhere telling them that the storm will pass, that better times are near. But I just want someone who's suffered, who's experienced this pain, to talk to. I want he or she to explain this suffering, this piercing of the heart. I want someone who's come out of the abyss to tell me that there's always hope. Because I know there is, but I don't know how to endure through this. I've never had to undergo something so painful before.

All I'm looking for is somebody that can be there with me while I sail through this storm.

These broken pieces,
These tears streaming down my face,
Inadequacy.

Life in Technicolor

As much as we hate admitting this, we need pain to survive. Where would we be without it? We'd be soulless creatures living in this big, vast world. The problem I see with so-called "utopias" is that we wouldn't know what true happiness felt like. Through all of these fights, these wars, these heartbreaks, these misfortunes, these losses, these hardships, we become better people. We learn through our suffering, and in the end, we're stronger. This pain that we hate so much, this pain that makes our insides twist and turn, this pain that pierces a hole in our hearts, it's what keeps us going.
                Pathei mathos. "With suffering comes wisdom."

I apologize for 1) not posting for a few weeks and 2) not having new pictures. This photo is indeed a scrap of my last "photoshoot" (if you will), but I'm still contemplating uploading it elsewhere. I've taken maybe 3-4 new pictures ever since this, but I'll upload them when I find the time.

I have so many things to say that I barely know where to start.

Well I guess first off, junior year is a pain. I find myself struggling in so many classes that it stresses me out. Physics will certainly be the death of me this year, but I think I'll somehow find my way out of this storm. We took a test yesterday on a subject that was somewhat straightforward, only for the exam to be difficult and disappointing.

Secondly, yesterday was the start of spirit week! If you don't live in America, spirit week is the week leading up to the homecoming football game/homecoming dance. (It's essentially that time of year that's brutally overused in movies and books.) We, the junior class, are attempting to win this year once and for all. As freshmen and sophomores we finished 2nd, almost (or as I still believe, we actually did) beating the seniors. I hope we can pull through with everything. But yesterday was hat day! It was tons of fun seeing everyone wear their special hats, etc. All the teachers looked different/informal with theirs. I don't know. But I'm really excited for this upcoming week, needless to say. Monday will be dress up day, Tuesday is Hawaiian day, Wednesday we have off from school, Thursday is pajama day, and Friday is class color day. Beware, I'll be posting tons of pictures next weekend. :)

Other than that, I've been shopping quite a bit lately. It scares me almost to see how much money I've spent. This weekend I bought 3 pairs of shoes. I was going to take pictures of them, but I didn't get the chance to, so maybe later! I bought a pair of brown (short top) boots, a pair of gray high top Converse, and a pair of black combat boots. Both pairs of boots can be worn two different ways (flipping over the top vs. not). I think before spring I'll buy another pair of Converse that aren't high tops. I like my non-high top Converse, but they're breaking, and I really wanted to have a pair of high tops. (Does this make any sense? Sorry, I'm rambling.)

Okay, I shall go now and study for the SATs/do my truck load of homework/study. Bye!

(P.S.- I really suggest you listen to Coldplay's songs. I wasn't too big of a fan up until now, but some of their songs are simply beautiful like the one featured in the title of this post.)

Fix You

It's this constant pain inside of me that makes me think twice about the people of this world. Who wants to hurt me? Who wants to help me? These days, I'm losing touch with everything--my family, my friends, my hobbies, my interests. I can't think straight, I can't see clearly. I'm so lost in this big, beautiful world with no one to guide me. I just want someone to lean on, someone to tell me that everything will be okay. Instead, I'm trekking this vast beauty with only hope by my side.

Rest in peace, Steve Jobs. <3 You will truly be missed. You show this world what it's like to be a beautiful, selfless person with an innovative and creative mind. I look up to you for all that you've been through and all that you've brought to society. You've managed to change this world while battling yourself, and if that doesn't exemplify a true hero, then what does?

I took that picture (quite obviously) a week ago. It's of my white iPhone 4, and I was just messing around with my dSLR and decided to take a picture of whatever I had in my hand. I kind of like the bokeh that came through in the background. But yes, it's a white phone, the lighting's just so bad that it looks black. I decided to put this picture in this post, even though I was going to scrap it, because of Steve Jobs' death. </3

Other than that, school's been a train-wreck. I find myself doing poorly on tests yet staying up until 2AM on a daily basis. I don't know what else to do other than sacrifice more of my time for work. I can't wait until this year is over, but it scares me to think about being a senior. I'm not ready to leave this place even though my mind is constantly wandering this earth.

On a different note, the title of this post is a song by Coldplay. I'm not a big fan of their music, to be honest. But of the whole X&Y album, this song caught my eye. It's the only Coldplay song, along with Viva La Vida, that's on my iPod, even though I have two of their albums. But I really enjoy "Clocks" as well, but I don't have my hands on it yet.

I apologize, but I'm out of pictures. So my blog will be somewhat inactive until I find the time to take more, sorry! But about the sweet sixteen I went to (as I promised I would blog about it), it ended up being formal, so I was glad that I dressed up at the very last second.

(These next few pictures were taken by Samantha. She's the person that hosted the party, along with her twin Stefani! I didn't bring my camera, so I just took some of her pictures to show you guys.)

The party was tons of fun, and I had a great time. We ate so, so much sushi, and I was stuffed by the end of the night! I also found out that there are these things called "Fun Chop" that you put on your chopsticks to help people use them better. I am still amused by them because I've just never seen them before.

With this note, I should go start homework as it's nearly 8PM. Tomorrow's Friday though which finally means a weekend full of relaxation and sleep studying for the PSATs/SATs and doing homework.

Always

I want this so badly, but I know it won't happen. That's life for you--you want one thing to happen, only for another thing to tumble down and ruin your perfectly laid out architecture of plans. Everything's about timing, and that's what makes life so invigorating, so interesting: you never know what's to come. It's like someone somewhere is watching you live your life, and they know the outcome but you don't. It's like you're stuck in a movie, but you're unsure of how the movie ends. But there's always a happy ending somewhere there. Always.

Happy 4-day weekend everyone! Thank goodness for Rosh Hashanah. ♡
Because of the long weekend, I had today (Thursday) off and have tomorrow off as well. (I realize that it's technically Friday, but it's not tomorrow until I fall asleep. ;D)

I had a rough beginning of the week. Most of my teachers decided it was a good idea to pile tests/projects/essays in the three days of school that we had. (And the teachers that didn't put them after the break. Yay!) I went to sleep at 2AM every night. ;~; And since I wake up at 6AM for school, I was absolutely exhausted by the end of the day on Wednesday.

Wednesday was also the last day to drop/add a class, and I feel like I might regret not dropping either physics or euro. We had our first physics test on Wednesday, and man, I failed. Towards the end of it, I just wrote down a bunch of numbers and hoped they had something to do with the problem. It wasn't so much that I didn't know how to do it, it was more that there wasn't nearly enough time to finish. ;~; Of course all the guys in my class finished with time to spare.

Other than that, I'm just meandering my way around these days. I did a little bit of work today, but mainly spent some time taking some new pictures (can you guys tell? :D). I brought out my violin that I haven't touched in so, so long, and decided to feature it in my photos, too. I should play again sometime soon. I need music in my life again.
Unfortunately, the weather was not ideal for taking photos so all of my pictures are really dark, but I kind of like it.

I also got the privilege to listen to Blink-182's new album today. It is SO amazing. I can't believe how good they still are, even 8 years later. The title of this post features one of their old songs "Always." But out of their new album, my favorite songs are "Wishing Well," "After Midnight," and "Natives." :)

Tomorrow I shall do tons of PSAT/World Lit. work. :) I also have no idea what to wear to my friends' sweet sixteen dinner. I'm not entirely sure if it's formal or not, but I'd find it awkward if I were wearing something casual in a formal situation or vice versa. And I need to find them presents, but I have no ideas in mind at all. D; On the bright side, it'll be a nice way to relax/it's at a Japanese restaurant so that means sushi! :D

I was planning on wearing this shirt, but I'm not sure yet. I'll let you all know how it goes Saturday after I get back/Sunday.
In the mean time, I'm going to stay up a bit later and then go to sleep!

Goodnight everyone! Have a great week/weekend. :)
(And l'shana tova to all of those celebrating Rosh Hashanah!)

Thinking of You

Have you ever felt so alone that you feel like you're suffocating? You feel so numb, so lost, so confused. The pain that everyone else brings lingers in your soul, and you're just left with putting on your mask and faking a smile. But when's the right time to finally say you've had enough? When's the right time to start breathing again, to start feeling again? When?

I miss the pearly keys of the piano. I don't have any time to dabble around on it anymore.

Hi everyone. :) Hopefully you're all having a great school year thus far. I'm doing fairly well in all of my classes except 1. (I will constantly feel the need to rant about this one class/my grade in this class, so yell at me if you get bored of reading it through the posts to come.)

Anyway, not much has happened, really. I'm still in the junior year slump, and I still feel a bit lost and confused. But I'm sure with time everything will get better.

Well in school, we've been testing out a block schedule. It's pretty nice at times, but at others, it's horrible. I just like how we can sign up for other classes in the "enhancement period" so I can technically possibly learn Italian this year, which I think is extremely cool. This time for the enhancement period, I went to club fair because I'm an officer of Soph. Strings. If you don't know, club fair is where all of the clubs have a booth and try to get freshmen to join! I really enjoyed seeing everyone there, not so much the freshmen, but my other upperclassmen friends. While I was there, I was harassed by some of my friends in Newspaper to join, which I found quite entertaining, for reasons I don't even know myself.

Other than that, I got my class ring yesterday! I think it looks really pretty, but I didn't take a picture of it from the aerial view only because my school's name would also be featured, and I don't want that. (Paranoia, sorry.) It says "13" on the side because that's the year I will be graduating in. On the opposite side, it says "20," so yeah. (2013!) The stone up top is my birthstone, peridot. It's a light green color!

And a little side note, have you guys noticed the NEW pictures!? Haha. :) I haven't fixed my computer memory, but I deleted a big file to make way for some new photos. I promise I'll make room for ALL of my photos soon (I have many!), but possibly not until November. :( Junior year is too busy for me to take the time to do all of that, so I'll be waiting until after the PSATs/SATs. I hope you understand.

Now for an outfit of the day, which I don't normally do, but it features a present my friend got for me on my sixteenth birthday. :) It's a knit top from Forever 21, but I'm really not sure how to properly wear it.

Excuse my tan lines and mosquito bites. Even though it's officially autumn (as of yesterday!), summer is still latent.

I think I should do some work before the day's over! I have tons of tests and papers to write for school. On the bright side, it'll be a short week and a long weekend. :) (3 day week, 4 day weekend!)
Thank goodness for holidays.

Wishlist

Hey everyone! I really shouldn't be blogging--I have tons of homework still left to do, but my mind is wandering, so I figure I wanted to sort out a current wishlist I had in mind. The picture above features some chocolate covered strawberries I made back for the 2011 new year. (I am that desperate for photos.) Chocolate covered strawberries are really easy to make, and they taste really good. If you're curious, maybe I'll post something on it later. :)

But here is a small wishlist of random items that I've been eyeing:

• Feather clip in extension
• Nerd glasses
• New actual, prescription-ed glasses
• Flying bird wall decal
• Toms
• Photoshop
• Flip video camera
• Mac book
• Guitar
• Dream catcher
• Vinyl records
• Poloroid camera
• Oil paints/canvases
• And tons of warm clothes for winter

There's more. But listing all of these already made me somewhat depressed with the fact that I can't get any of these. T-T.

I need a job. I saw this opening at American Eagle, one of my favorite stores, and I couldn't apply, even though this was shortly after my 16th birthday. I realized that right now I have absolutely no time at all, so I can't get a job yet. ><. Maybe over the summer I can try or senior year.

Okay. Now back to my chem lab/euro homework/English essay. D;

Autumn

By all these lovely tokens September days are here. With summer's best of weather And autumn's best of cheer. -Helen Hunt Jackson

I yearn for these upcoming autumn days.
Today the weather was cool and crisp, full of freshly seen breath in the air. I realized how much I missed these days.
I've missed the way the leaves turn to red, orange, and brown, and begin to fall. I've missed the cool mornings standing at the bus stop, wearing layers. I've missed the sound of dry leaves crunching beneath my feet. I've missed passing by cornfields only to see orange pumpkins so beautifully yet arbitrarily placed. I've missed the smell of apples in the air--apple pie, apple cider, apple everything. I've missed the warm feeling of holding a caramel steamer in my cold hands, and burning my tongue on the very first sip.
...I've missed you.

I can't change the way things are going between us just as I can't change the way summer's changing into autumn. I can only try to move on. It's harder than it sounds.

On a different note, it's 1:19AM, and I'm currently typing this all out for my lovely readers. I don't have time to blog as often as I did before, and I've scavenged up every last picture I could find. I'm running out of pictures to display, I'm running out of things to say.
And junior year is terribly intense. I find myself commonly getting four hours of sleep. I stay up late one night, only to stay up later the next. Over these past 2 weeks, I've had 9 tests. And I have so many more to come this upcoming week. Needless to say, I'm extremely busy and exhausted from this year already.

But if one thing's for sure, I am determined to find a way to move on from the idea of ever being with you, even though I'll probably lose myself along the way.

Angels On the Moon

This is to New York City angels, and the rivers of our blood. This is to all of us, to all of us. --Thriving Ivory

This post is dedicated to all of the people who lost their lives on September 11, 2001. May you rest in peace. <3

Picture taken on the Empire State Building, October 2010! I have a bunch of pretty decent pictures from that day, I just never bothered to edit them. Here's a really quick edit since I'm about to go to sleep after this post.

As you know, today's 9/11. It's been exactly 10 years since the attacks, and somehow it feels like it was just yesterday. I still remember coming home from first grade and watching the news. I remember seeing the video of the towers falling down, and I remember not being able to understand what any of that meant. It means so much, that I don't even know how people even begin to explain what 9/11 means to us. I'm not sure how people phrase things so beautifully, while I struggle to even put my words into coherent sentences. 9/11 means more than just a date, it signifies remembrance, bravery, freedom, terrorism, justice, and sacrifice. 9/11 shows America how far we've come and how much more we can give. In these past 10 years, this past decade, we've shown nothing but strength and hope. 9/11 is what made us who we are today, it's a part of our history now, forever engraved into the back of our minds and marked in textbooks.

And now I want to put a part in here about the firefighters and policemen that gave all they could to rescue others. They are truly heroes, and we cannot thank them enough for what they do everyday. And to those passengers on the flight to Shanksville, PA, may you all rest in peace. I admire you all so much for doing that, I can't even begin to say how heroic that was, and how selfless that was in a world full of materialistic desires and selfish needs.

This day just makes me so emotional. I can't even put into words what I feel.

9/11, September 11th.
2001-2011.
We will always remember, we will never forget.

Paradox

I'm constantly let down by the high expectations I give you.

I've been waiting for so long, I'm just tired.

"Good things come to people who wait" is probably the biggest lie I've followed for all of these years.

I've learned that "carpe diem" and "no guts, no glory" have gotten so much further than simply waiting with my mouth and mind closed.

But at this point, nothing's working anymore.

You don't even realize all of this pain you're bringing me, and that's the worst.

You bring me so much pain, yet so much laughter.

I can't stand you. I can't stop thinking about you.

You are my ultimate paradox.

So Long Sweet Summer

GOODBYE.

• Staying up until 2
• Waking up whenever
• Feeling tired willingly
• Traveling
• Vacationing
• Family time
• Sunsets
• Star-gazing
• Messed up sleep schedule
• Doing nothing for the whole day
• Watching videos and catching up on TV shows
• Being lazy
• Procrastinating
• Summer nights
• Never-ending freedom
• No work, no worries
• The best 2.5 weeks of talking to you.

I was fine these past few days, even though you weren't there. I made up excuses in my mind, and now there's none left. You really did it again, and I can't stand this anymore. Ugh. :(

And to make things better, tomorrow is the start of junior year. I. Can't. Wait.