Thinking of You

Have you ever felt so alone that you feel like you're suffocating? You feel so numb, so lost, so confused. The pain that everyone else brings lingers in your soul, and you're just left with putting on your mask and faking a smile. But when's the right time to finally say you've had enough? When's the right time to start breathing again, to start feeling again? When?

I miss the pearly keys of the piano. I don't have any time to dabble around on it anymore.

Hi everyone. :) Hopefully you're all having a great school year thus far. I'm doing fairly well in all of my classes except 1. (I will constantly feel the need to rant about this one class/my grade in this class, so yell at me if you get bored of reading it through the posts to come.)

Anyway, not much has happened, really. I'm still in the junior year slump, and I still feel a bit lost and confused. But I'm sure with time everything will get better.

Well in school, we've been testing out a block schedule. It's pretty nice at times, but at others, it's horrible. I just like how we can sign up for other classes in the "enhancement period" so I can technically possibly learn Italian this year, which I think is extremely cool. This time for the enhancement period, I went to club fair because I'm an officer of Soph. Strings. If you don't know, club fair is where all of the clubs have a booth and try to get freshmen to join! I really enjoyed seeing everyone there, not so much the freshmen, but my other upperclassmen friends. While I was there, I was harassed by some of my friends in Newspaper to join, which I found quite entertaining, for reasons I don't even know myself.

Other than that, I got my class ring yesterday! I think it looks really pretty, but I didn't take a picture of it from the aerial view only because my school's name would also be featured, and I don't want that. (Paranoia, sorry.) It says "13" on the side because that's the year I will be graduating in. On the opposite side, it says "20," so yeah. (2013!) The stone up top is my birthstone, peridot. It's a light green color!

And a little side note, have you guys noticed the NEW pictures!? Haha. :) I haven't fixed my computer memory, but I deleted a big file to make way for some new photos. I promise I'll make room for ALL of my photos soon (I have many!), but possibly not until November. :( Junior year is too busy for me to take the time to do all of that, so I'll be waiting until after the PSATs/SATs. I hope you understand.

Now for an outfit of the day, which I don't normally do, but it features a present my friend got for me on my sixteenth birthday. :) It's a knit top from Forever 21, but I'm really not sure how to properly wear it.

Excuse my tan lines and mosquito bites. Even though it's officially autumn (as of yesterday!), summer is still latent.

I think I should do some work before the day's over! I have tons of tests and papers to write for school. On the bright side, it'll be a short week and a long weekend. :) (3 day week, 4 day weekend!)
Thank goodness for holidays.

Wishlist

Hey everyone! I really shouldn't be blogging--I have tons of homework still left to do, but my mind is wandering, so I figure I wanted to sort out a current wishlist I had in mind. The picture above features some chocolate covered strawberries I made back for the 2011 new year. (I am that desperate for photos.) Chocolate covered strawberries are really easy to make, and they taste really good. If you're curious, maybe I'll post something on it later. :)

But here is a small wishlist of random items that I've been eyeing:

• Feather clip in extension
• Nerd glasses
• New actual, prescription-ed glasses
• Flying bird wall decal
• Toms
• Photoshop
• Flip video camera
• Mac book
• Guitar
• Dream catcher
• Vinyl records
• Poloroid camera
• Oil paints/canvases
• And tons of warm clothes for winter

There's more. But listing all of these already made me somewhat depressed with the fact that I can't get any of these. T-T.

I need a job. I saw this opening at American Eagle, one of my favorite stores, and I couldn't apply, even though this was shortly after my 16th birthday. I realized that right now I have absolutely no time at all, so I can't get a job yet. ><. Maybe over the summer I can try or senior year.

Okay. Now back to my chem lab/euro homework/English essay. D;

Autumn

By all these lovely tokens September days are here. With summer's best of weather And autumn's best of cheer. -Helen Hunt Jackson

I yearn for these upcoming autumn days.
Today the weather was cool and crisp, full of freshly seen breath in the air. I realized how much I missed these days.
I've missed the way the leaves turn to red, orange, and brown, and begin to fall. I've missed the cool mornings standing at the bus stop, wearing layers. I've missed the sound of dry leaves crunching beneath my feet. I've missed passing by cornfields only to see orange pumpkins so beautifully yet arbitrarily placed. I've missed the smell of apples in the air--apple pie, apple cider, apple everything. I've missed the warm feeling of holding a caramel steamer in my cold hands, and burning my tongue on the very first sip.
...I've missed you.

I can't change the way things are going between us just as I can't change the way summer's changing into autumn. I can only try to move on. It's harder than it sounds.

On a different note, it's 1:19AM, and I'm currently typing this all out for my lovely readers. I don't have time to blog as often as I did before, and I've scavenged up every last picture I could find. I'm running out of pictures to display, I'm running out of things to say.
And junior year is terribly intense. I find myself commonly getting four hours of sleep. I stay up late one night, only to stay up later the next. Over these past 2 weeks, I've had 9 tests. And I have so many more to come this upcoming week. Needless to say, I'm extremely busy and exhausted from this year already.

But if one thing's for sure, I am determined to find a way to move on from the idea of ever being with you, even though I'll probably lose myself along the way.

Angels On the Moon

This is to New York City angels, and the rivers of our blood. This is to all of us, to all of us. --Thriving Ivory

This post is dedicated to all of the people who lost their lives on September 11, 2001. May you rest in peace. <3

Picture taken on the Empire State Building, October 2010! I have a bunch of pretty decent pictures from that day, I just never bothered to edit them. Here's a really quick edit since I'm about to go to sleep after this post.

As you know, today's 9/11. It's been exactly 10 years since the attacks, and somehow it feels like it was just yesterday. I still remember coming home from first grade and watching the news. I remember seeing the video of the towers falling down, and I remember not being able to understand what any of that meant. It means so much, that I don't even know how people even begin to explain what 9/11 means to us. I'm not sure how people phrase things so beautifully, while I struggle to even put my words into coherent sentences. 9/11 means more than just a date, it signifies remembrance, bravery, freedom, terrorism, justice, and sacrifice. 9/11 shows America how far we've come and how much more we can give. In these past 10 years, this past decade, we've shown nothing but strength and hope. 9/11 is what made us who we are today, it's a part of our history now, forever engraved into the back of our minds and marked in textbooks.

And now I want to put a part in here about the firefighters and policemen that gave all they could to rescue others. They are truly heroes, and we cannot thank them enough for what they do everyday. And to those passengers on the flight to Shanksville, PA, may you all rest in peace. I admire you all so much for doing that, I can't even begin to say how heroic that was, and how selfless that was in a world full of materialistic desires and selfish needs.

This day just makes me so emotional. I can't even put into words what I feel.

9/11, September 11th.
2001-2011.
We will always remember, we will never forget.

Paradox

I'm constantly let down by the high expectations I give you.

I've been waiting for so long, I'm just tired.

"Good things come to people who wait" is probably the biggest lie I've followed for all of these years.

I've learned that "carpe diem" and "no guts, no glory" have gotten so much further than simply waiting with my mouth and mind closed.

But at this point, nothing's working anymore.

You don't even realize all of this pain you're bringing me, and that's the worst.

You bring me so much pain, yet so much laughter.

I can't stand you. I can't stop thinking about you.

You are my ultimate paradox.

So Long Sweet Summer

GOODBYE.

• Staying up until 2
• Waking up whenever
• Feeling tired willingly
• Traveling
• Vacationing
• Family time
• Sunsets
• Star-gazing
• Messed up sleep schedule
• Doing nothing for the whole day
• Watching videos and catching up on TV shows
• Being lazy
• Procrastinating
• Summer nights
• Never-ending freedom
• No work, no worries
• The best 2.5 weeks of talking to you.

I was fine these past few days, even though you weren't there. I made up excuses in my mind, and now there's none left. You really did it again, and I can't stand this anymore. Ugh. :(

And to make things better, tomorrow is the start of junior year. I. Can't. Wait.

Things I Miss

I don't even know what I just made. I took this picture in freshmen year for a photo assignment. I saw some leaves by the tennis courts while I had a match for tennis. And I ended up editing it two different ways. I got bored with it just now, and this is what I made. I'm sorry if it doesn't make any sense.

• Sitting outside watching the sunset
• Staying up until 3AM talking to someone
• The feeling in your stomach when your plane is taking off
• Exploring
• Waking up in your hotel when you're on vacation
• Sitting by the ocean listening to the waves
• Catching fireflies
• Watching the fireworks
• The clicks of a dSLR
• The feel of a paint brush and the smell of paints
• Seeing Inbox (7)
• Staying up late talking to my brother
• Writing decent pieces of work
• Sleeping
• Laughing while I read what you've sent me
• Feeling better after I start to reply
• You
• You
• You

I'll make an actual post of this maybe in the form of photography soon. But I'll take out all of the parts I snuck in about someone, and I'll add in some more about summer.

I'm going to miss summer 2011 so, so much. I'm not ready for this year. I'll never be.

Wake Me Up When September Ends

Summer has come and passed. The innocent will never last. Wake me up when September ends.   --Green Day

School starts on Tuesday. And needless to say, I am not looking forward to it. I am already dreading junior year--I have been ever since I started high school. And now that the time has actually come, I'm certainly not excited. But I have to learn to deal with it!

Speaking of school, I have tons of summer homework still left to do. So I need to finish up this post really quickly. I also just found out I have a test on Thursday! School hasn't even started yet, and teachers are already scheduling tests. :( /cries.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that August was a great month, but I'm hoping September will somehow exceed my expectations and be amazing. <3

We can all hope, can't we?

Emptiness

I feel so empty inside right now.
And it's not even about you this time.
It's on this crazy ride we call life. It feels like whenever things are going right, they have to be messed up. It feels like people raise my hopes up just to take them down.

I'm so tired of this. I'm so tired of feeling this way--so alone, so hollow.
So hopeless.

Lighters

An outtake from my hope photoshoot. This is completely unedited. I'm too lazy to even put my watermark on it, but I'm not much of a fan of this photo anyway.

So I was too lazy to go get some more memory. In my defense, I was fairly busy today! Let me explain. :) This morning, I had tennis. We played until around noon. I got home and just messed around on the computer. And at around 1:30-1:40, I suddenly felt this shaking. The island I was working on started shaking and I nearly fell off my chair trying to hold on. I first thought I was delusional because I sometimes get feelings of dizziness. But then when it kept going, I realized that it wasn't me. I then thought someone was upstairs, which really freaked me out. But then it was over, so I kind of just let it go. Well it happened to be an earthquake. Apparently there was a 5.8 earthquake today in Virginia, and the aftershock came all the way here. It basically shook almost the whole east coast, which was really strange but cool. So after Facebook exploded in statuses (seriously, I don't know why people do that), everyone calmed down again. But then at 6:30, I went to go to our tennis pasta party! It was tons of fun. :) Basically the freshmen bring the pasta, the sophomores bring the salad/bread, the juniors bring the dessert, and the seniors bring the drinks/host the party. We kind of all just hung out for a while, and then a bunch of people went to the pool, while Iris/Gigi and I squirted them with water guns. :'D LOL. I was going to post pictures since someone was taking them the whole time, but they haven't put them up yet. So I will as soon as they're uploaded.

In the mean time, I should do some of my summer work. I have so much left to do and school starts in exactly two weeks. </3 Goodbye summer 2011. :(